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This is fun!

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:       
 
FIRST THE WOMEN    
40-ish.................. 48  
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will  
Athletic................ Flat-chested    
Average looking.........Ugly  
Beautiful............... Pathological liar  
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin  
Educated................ College dropout    
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated  
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster  
Free spirit............. Substance user  
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut  
Fun..................... Annoying    
Gentle.................. Comatose  
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic  
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time  
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only  
Open-minded............. Desperate    
Outgoing................ Loud  
Passionate.............. Loud  
Poet.................... Depressive financially insecure  
Professional............ Real Witch  
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section  
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat  
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light  
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat  
Weight proportional to height................ Hugely Fat  
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking  
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death  
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone    
 
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST    
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old  
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN  
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back  
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot  
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister  
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity  
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack  
Good looking............ Arrogant  
Honest.................. Pathological Liar  
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear  
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent  
Mature.................. Until you get to know him  
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's  
not interested  
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror  
admiring myself  
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall  
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother  
on Easter Sunday  
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested  
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer


This was fun 2!

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman  
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she  
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing  
something she expects ... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.    
Here is a guide to the point system.  
 
SIMPLE DUTIES  
You make the bed..............................................+1  
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0  
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1  
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5  
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..............0  
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1  
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next  
bathroom......................................................-2  
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners  
with wings....................................................+5  
But return with beer..........................................-5  
You check out a suspicious noise at night......................0  
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..............0  
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5  
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10  
It's her father..............................................-10>>  
 
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT  
You stay by her side the entire party..........................0  
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a  
college drinking buddy........................................-2  
Named Tiffany.................................................-4  
Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-6  
Tiffany has implants..........................................-8  
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her  
lovingly .....................................................+1  
hen mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"  
and pat her on the rump.......................................-5  
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks  
you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere  
near as attractive as you"....................................+1  
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's  
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"...........-6  
That woman is her sister......................................-90  
You have one drink, and that's it..............................0  
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle..-2  
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.-18  
 
SATURDAY AFTERNOON  
You go to the mall together...................................+3  
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the  
car...........................................................+4  
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to  
a sports bar..................................................-2  
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...+3  
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional...0  
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ........+3  
Most of it chips and beer ....................................-6  
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den..+15  
Or refinishing the floors.......................................+16  
Or rewiring the basement........................................+17  
Or adding a second floor........................................+18  
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.....-6  
And you're tickled pink about it................................-15  
You visit her parents.........................................0  
You visit her parents and actually make conversation.........+3  
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television...-3  
And the television is off....................................-6  
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your  
underwear....................................................-6  
And you didn't even go to college...........................-10  
And it's not your underwear.................................-15  
 
HER BIRTHDAY  
You take her out to dinner......................................0  
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ..........+1  
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................-2  
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................-3  
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is  
painted the colors of your favorite team......................-10  
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...+3  
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get  
up and sing...........................................................+4  
If you stink...................................................+2  
If you're not half bad.........................................+5  
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're  
escorted out to much applause...........................................-2  
You give her a gift.............................................0  
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance ...............-10  
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ............+1  
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................+2  
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months .....+30  
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day ...-10  
With her credit card..........................................-30  
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big .................-40  
 
THOUGHTFULNESS  
You forget her birthday completely............................-20  
You forget your anniversary...................................-30  
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..................-45  
Which is in Newark, New Jersey................................-50  
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...................-60  
 
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS  
Go out with a pal ............................................-5  
And the pal is happily married ...............................-4  
Or frighteningly single ......................................-7  
And he drives a Mustang......................................-10  
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...............-15  
You have a few beers..........................................-9  
And miss curfew by an hour...................................-12  
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...............-20  
You get home at 3 am.........................................-30  
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars .....-40  
And not wearing any pants....................................-50  
Is that a tattoo??..........................................-200  
 
HER NIGHT OUT  
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from  
work..........................................................+5  
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes  
home late....................................................+10  
You wait up.....................+15  
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed..+20  
A Night At Home>>              ---------------  
You watch TV together........................................... 0  
You rent a movie................................................+2  
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY ..................+3  
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout .........+5  
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep....................-1  
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool .........-2  
 
A NIGHT OUT  
You take her to a movie.........................................+2  
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4  
You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6  
You take her to a movie you like................................-2  
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3  
Which features cyborgs having sex...............................-9  
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15  
Flowers>>              -------  
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0  
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20  
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30  
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................  
 
YOUR PHYSIQUE  
You develop a noticeable potbelly................................-15  
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it..+10  
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and  
baggy Hawaiian shirts.............................................-5  
 
FINANCES  
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5  
Something she can't use.........................................-10  
Such as a motorized model airplane..............................-20  
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40  
 
DRIVING  
You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4  
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10  
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15  
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close  
and personal...................................................-25  
You know them..................................................-60  
 
THE BIG QUESTION  
She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5  
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)  
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10  
You reply, "Where?"............................................-35>>  
 
COMMUNICATION  
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what  
looks like a concerned expression................................0  
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.........+5  
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10  
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..............-20


Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for

women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt -- buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink -- they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere."Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!" thanks."

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook -- but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why -- please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.


What is your sexual color personality?

Your favorite color will tend to be chosen by you especially in your clothing and home decor -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. Psychologists have found an association between color and sexual patterns.

RED
People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

xxx YELLOW
If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK
Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE
Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK
Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

Green
Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE
Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN
If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

Gray
The color gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer gray look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a gray marries another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE
Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than firery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests

WHITE
If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.

 


 

 

 

 



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